8 posts tagged “wisdom”

Knowing what you (do) want...

Jun 12, 2008
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So, long ago in a galaxy far, far away, I used to train my dog. I used positive reinforcement, for the most part, and some negative punishment (taking away something rewarding, e.g. stepping away from her or turning if she jumped up on me for attention). During that time, one of the things I learned was that when you are trying to work with a new dog (or cat, or bird, or child, etc.) there are hundreds (maybe more!) of things you do NOT want the puppy to be doing. Ask any new owner and you'll hear a string of DO NOT WANT:

"I don't want the puppy to pee in the house"

"I don't want the puppy to jump on guests"

"I don't want the puppy to chew my furniture"

"I don't want the puppy to bark"

"I don't want the puppy to pick up my shoes and carry them around"

"I don't want the puppy to beg in the kitchen"

and so on.

The trouble with focusing on what you "don't want" is that it doesn't help you develop the behaviors or reach the goals that you DO want. And sometimes you're not even sure what you DO want the puppy to be doing when you're so caught up in everything that is going wrong. You fail to recognize and reward any of the alternate behaviors that the puppy is offering as you simply continue identifying more of what you don't want.

In training Willow, I learned to shift my focus to what I *wanted* my puppy to be doing at any given moment. Once you have a clear picture of what you DO want in your mind, getting there is often far more simple than you ever imagined. Prior to that moment, all you have is a sea of confusion, wherein there are a lot of behaviors the pup is systematically trying out and adding to the DO NOT WANT! list. Until you can get clear on what you DO want, that sea of confusion grows ever-wider, or in some cases, the puppy shuts down and stops trying to do anything at all.

Now, that revelation is so simplistic, isn't it? So, obviously this post isn't about my dog. I know so many of the things that I DO NOT WANT. I have been putting so much emotional energy into fighting anxiety stemming from what I don't want, that I've just now come to the realization that I haven't actually stopped to clarify exactly what it is that I DO want. Oddly enough, just as many new pet owners and parents have a difficult time articulating what behaviors they'd like to see when they first start to grasp the concept, I am amazed at how complicated the answer to that one simple question has become when it is reformulated to remove all of the negatives.

Wisblog....

May 28, 2008
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Read over at Jerk Ethic: "Anxiety breeds success." Boy if that is true I must have a mighty huge success on the horizon! :)

Sounds familiar... ouch.

May 27, 2008
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"For some people conflict resolution can mean ... validating their point of

view with overwhelming evidence, thus invalidating the other’s point of view..."

That's a sobering thought.

Quote for Tonight

Jan 31, 2008
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I need to post an update about school and other assorted stuff, but I also should be asleep already. I did want to post this verse from Ben Folds:

And now that the gig is up
The spell is broken
The fat lady sung
The president has spoken

These days that you were waiting for
Will come and go
Like any day
Just another day...

Dante's Wisdom

Dec 18, 2007
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O gifted men, vainglorious for first place,
how short a time the laurel crown stays green

A breath of wind is all there is to fame
here upon earth: it blows this way and that,
and when it changes quarter it changes name.

Quote of the Evening

Dec 16, 2007
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The only real voyage of discovery consists not in seeking new landscapes, but in having new eyes. --Marcel Proust

And so it goes...

Dec 11, 2007
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My friend's divorce just hit the "as ugly as you could ever attempt to make it" boiling point today. Horrendously vicious and absolutely false statements included in the officially filed petition for a limited divorce by her stbx. This, after she chose one of the most child-friendly attorneys in our town. After she voluntarily offered visitation with the children, and made several attempts at amicable communication throughout the week, pleading only that her 18 year old daughter be kept from acting as mediator. And so it will go- a battle to the death that thrusts the children directly into the line of fire and creates lifelong enemies bound through those children.

I'll say it one more time- divorce doesn't solve relationship problems between two adults, and it never will. Even in cases of extremely high-conflict marriages, the truth is that those same issues that make it a "high-conflict environment" (which is unarguably unhealthy for children) remain, creating a lifetime of turmoil for the children long after the blue form is signed. The courts can order psychological evaluations, and child experts. They can order supervised visitation and mediation. They can try to make the "best" of a horrendous mess left behind by adults who shouldn't need someone in a robe to tell them how to do the right thing.

What they cannot do is create individuals who will take personal responsibility for the pain and suffering they cause to themselves or their children. This society has created several generations of individuals who simply refuse accept their own role in their destiny. I've seen it in my job, with people suing doctors for outcomes that are simply not under the control of anyone but Mother-Nature. I've seen it in frivolous lawsuits that could be avoided with even a shred of common sense. I've seen it in schools where parents want to blame the teachers and administrators for their children's educational failures, rather than recognizing that they, too, should be taking an active role in educating their kids. I've seen it in myself when I failed to realize how dire the consequences of my own actions this year would be for my family.

However, it is never too late to stand up and speak the truth of your mistakes. To accept responsibility for your actions - and your actions alone. To cry out an apology. To ask forgiveness. To try to make a change within yourself that will set things back on the right path. There is no shame whatsoever in trying to do it "right" no matter how long you've been doing it wrong. Too many people believe they must remain on a course of destruction just because they felt for a moment (or more) that it was the right path. The subtotals of our wrongs combined will not set things to rights.

Quote for Tonight:

What a man believes upon grossly insufficient evidence is an index into his desires -- desires of which he himself is often unconscious. If a man is offered a fact which goes against his instincts, he will scrutinize it closely, and unless the evidence is overwhelming, he will refuse to believe it. If, on the other hand, he is offered something which affords a reason for acting in accordance to his instincts, he will accept it even on the slightest evidence. -Bertrand Russell

Quote for Tonight

Dec 9, 2007

A divorce is like an amputation; you survive it, but there's less of you. - Margaret Atwood

Knowing what you (do) want...

Wisblog....

Sounds familiar... ouch.

Quote for Tonight

Dante's Wisdom

Quote of the Evening

And so it goes...

Quote for Tonight

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