12 posts tagged “kids”
We met with our lawyers this morning for a few hours to talk about goals for the separation period, how things might evolve with custody and visitation over time, how to separate our finances so that j and I each control our own expenses and debt, and whether or not we might proceed collaboratively rather than litigating the case. J and his attorney refused service of the actual divorce filing with the hope that at our next meeting in January good faith efforts toward collaboration will have been demonstrated and I can then withdraw the petition for absolute divorce on fault grounds and commit to the collaborative process instead, which has several advantages for all of us.
The lawyers were very complimentary toward j and I and how well we communicated on the issues we chose to focus upon today. Both attorneys seemed impressed with what we accomplished in the time we spent together, and they are eager to work with us as a collaborative team, to get the divorce coach on board, and to get a financial advisor involved if financial software is unable to offer a workable plan for our current financial situation. I was up front about my desire to eventually revisit custody and visitation issues in the event we reach a place where there is absolutely no hope for reconciliation, and I also expressed my willingness to reconcile if the situation changes, as I still believe that would be the best decision for all of us for the future.
We accomplished a great deal of work today, finalizing the custody and visitation for at least the next 6 months, establishing a budget for each of us to use until the official child support and spousal support guidelines are drawn up and our accounts can be separated, making a list of home repairs and expenses that need to be taken care of and establishing deadlines for these issues. I was very pleased with the interactions between our attorneys, and I was relieved that there was no subterfuge evident.
It was a hard day emotionally for me, but nothing like I feared it might be. I was really only sad about discussions surrounding holiday gifts and the future of establishing two households for the children. I have been honestly trying to stay in the present and focus on what we have right now, but this discussion brought me back to the reality of a future apart and I worked quickly to get my focus back on the present. I am also fretting about the need for j and I to have contact to discuss household repairs over the next few days. I was eager to get to a point where he and I can have some real distance and avoid interactions that center on any issues that trigger anything resembling nagging or criticism. I believe he needs some space and some perspective. If every interaction we have revolves around the things that all married couples dread (money, home repairs, kids' expenses) with no positive interactions to balance those out like we used to have, it breaks down all remaining goodwill. And I can't repeat it often enough- we are in this for the long haul together, regardless of whether we're "husband and wife" or merely "mom and dad."
...boy do they go quickly! The kids headed off to school this morning and I went to the grocery store to get food for dinners and some more cereal and snacks. Came home and put everything away, emptied the dishwasher, scooped the litter box (gotta make a note to teach Peyton how to take care of this on her days at home!), and curled up in front of the TV with the kitten.
I still have nothing at all for anyone for the holidays. I had a lot of ideas for j this year, and I'm kinda bummed not to get the chance to use them since usually I suck at gifts ;) The kids told me they'd be thrilled with gift cards, so I'll probably get them each a very small gift card and take them shopping the day after Christmas this year. I think I'll make a very small turkey breast and mashed potatoes and then we can bake and decorate sugar cookies on Christmas day. I'm sure they'll come home with tons of new stuff from j and grandma so I have no doubt they'll be entertained. :) I had really wanted to get DVDs of the kids made to send to family, but I just haven't been motivated to watch hours of our history, and j is really the creative one when it comes to adding music, editing, blending photos into the presentation, etc. and we haven't been able to work together to get that done this year! My parents bought us a gift for the house (and I really must get that shed built!) but I'm sure they'll send something nice for the kids to open.
The kids and I see Dr. K tomorrow afternoon, and then Wednesday is our first meeting with the attorneys. Thursday is my friend's first hearing in court for custody and visitation issues. It's also Peyton's birthday, and since she already had her party and the kitten came home early and it's J's night with the kids we probably won't really do anything special together on the day itself, but it's hard to believe I'll officially have a teenager! :)
Peyton's party was a success! I was so thankful to be able to share the day with her and take part in her celebration. She had baked a cookie-cake with daddy and together they decorated it in our family birthday tradition. Then he ordered pizza for the girls and I helped dole out fruit punch and sodas. J took video and I snapped pictures while Peyton opened presents from her friends, and then we used our Ikea candles in lieu of birthday candles that wouldn't easily sit in the cookie cake, singing and watching her make a wish and use a "swimmer's breath" to blow them out again.
I helped clean up after dinner and then headed out to a friend's house before the icy weather set in full force, leaving j to supervise the sleepover portion of the party.
I had brunch this morning and then headed back home this afternoon and got to see the kids for a little bit before they headed to grandma's with daddy. My head was killing me and I was really disappointed in a discussion j and I had and the direction it took, so I ended up taking a short drive to prevent myself from being upset around the kids, came home and took ibuprofen, a long bath in the dark, and a short nap before settling in to cuddle with the kitten and watch some TV before the kids get home in time for bedtime.
I can't believe how quickly the weekend flew by!
So we got the new kitten last night. I didn't realize we'd get to bring her home right away! She is adjusting really well to the house. Peyton held her and decided to name her Twilight. :)
Then we set her up inside of an ex-pen with her litter box, a scratching pad, a little post with a fluffy ball on a spring and her food and water bowl. Peyton climbed inside with her and we watched the kitten discover the litter box, go to town on the scratching pad, and then play with the little ball at the top of her post. It was adorable! She also quickly discovered that she can climb the ex-pen.
The kids headed off to daddy's and Peyton was reluctant to leave, but she'll be here again tomorrow for her birthday party so she'll get to introduce Twilight to all of her friends. I'm sure j will take some really great pictures and I'll see if he can get copies to me so I can post some here.
Last night after the kids headed out, the kitten took about ten minutes before she climbed the ex-pen, leapt to the couch, and started exploring the main floor of the house. She found the Christmas Tree (ohhhh boy, shiny objects!) and got the kitten-zoomies, running all over the place and climbing behind and under and on top of furniture. Then she eventually settled down on the couch in my lap and napped for a few hours while we watched TV. I had her sleep up in the bathroom with her food and litter box, and this morning she has had the run of the main floor. Willow keeps trying to engage the kitten in some sort of 'play' and while the kitten is not at all afraid of Willow, she's also not at all interested in playing with a gigantic orange retrieving dummy that it twice as big as she is, lol! :)
only a year ago?
http://monitron.vox.com/library/post/one-hour-to-go.html
My boys are playing Mario Galaxy on the Wii right now, but looking at this post feels like maybe we are in another Galaxy today. I miss this.
So we looked at a few kittens but this one may be coming home to join us soon. :) She is pretty feisty (which is good since we have a playful lab who may need to be put in her place once or twice!) and she's just as cute as can be. She also never stopped purring the whole time I was holding her, and the kids were loving on her a lot.
We put in the application today, and I have an interview tomorrow evening at 6pm. Our vet reminded us Willow is overdue for her Rabies vaccine (ack!), so I'm getting that up to date at 9am tomorrow.
I'm not sure when she'd be coming home (it could be over the weekend while the kids are with daddy, but Peyton will be here on Saturday for her party, so that would work out nicely anyway!)
I forgot that kittens like to climb and scratch. Ohhhhboy! Have to find a good scratching post ASAP to avoid severe furniture damage.
Wish us luck!
So Peyton's 13th birthday is fast approaching, and she has been asking for a kitten for a few years now. We already have an almost-two-year-old yellow lab, Willow, at home, but she is primarily my dog. Last year we euthanized our 13 year-old black lab, Lexie when we saw that she was going downhill from the effects of old-age and a mast cell tumor that had begun causing her health issues a year or so before, so my children have also experienced the life-cycle of a family pet. I'm pretty excited about helping Peyton choose the first critter that will really be hers.
I'm planning to take the kids to visit the local animal shelter this afternoon to see what they have available for adoption, maybe dropping off an application if she finds a kitten she would like to make part of our family. I believe Peyton is old enough to take responsibility for raising and caring for a pet, and I know the boys and I will get a lot of joy from a new addition to the household, too. Peyton has been very helpful with our dogs over the years, and she has always had a fondness for felines- spending hours petting and holding her friends' kittens and cats over the years. I'm sure this cat will be spoiled rotten ;)
After the last post, I did want to try to focus a bit on the positives of my own situation. While I am still hurt by my husbands' decision to divorce, I do recognize his love for the children and despite his statements to others, I have never had any intention of trying to keep him way from them in an attempt to hurt him. My children are wonderful, sensitive, caring, smart, funny, gentle, loving, and extremely social. They are equally bonded to j and I, and we have both worked as a team for the past 9 years to make sure that this is the case. We have always taken incredible pains to make well-informed decisions on everything from education to car seats to discipline, and I'm terrified of sharing those decisions with anyone else but him.
My greatest wish for my children would be to have them lose nothing in this process. I know that j wishes the same, and has been trying so hard to shelter them from the reality of separate households, holidays, changed bedtime routines, and to be a stable presence in their lives throughout this whole mess, even when I was extremely unstable. That they are just now beginning to comprehend the changes being implemented is heartrending, yet they had a nice session tonight with the counselor (the boys each saw her for about 15 minutes, and our daughter saw her for 45 minutes after my own session). The boys talked a bit about their feelings about the separation, but they both also talked about their friends and the pictures they had drawn while waiting for their turn with Dr. K. ;)
Tonight my daughter spearheaded a major clean-up effort in our basement. She did this without ever being asked and without my ever having even mentioned the basement at all, since I'm currently using it as a staging area to collect j's belongings until he needs or wants them. I'm also not nearly as focused on perfection as I once was, though it has been wonderful to have the kids back into a routine and the house is staying basically the way it was before this year. Each of them have been really complimentary about how clean the house is now that they put away backpacks, shoes, coats, dishes, snack wrappers, and laundry consistently instead of waiting for it to all collect to alert-levels. It really doesn't take them much effort, and it makes for so much less complaining when it is time to straighten up before bed or get ready for school in the mornings.
Tonight we read one of my favorite books together at bedtime, Curious George Goes to the Hospital. I got to tell Kadin about when he was a tiny baby and he had to drink barium and get an x-ray, just like George! Carson had fallen asleep on his own in the living room from sheer exhaustion (he didn't have a nap today because of our busy schedule), and so I simply carried him up after we read our story together, and snuggled him in with the big boys. I'm so thankful my kids have each other. That they treat each other with so much kindness and care, and it feels so nice when they hug me and tell me how much they love me and that they miss me when I'm not with them. Maybe they don't just see me as the laundry-witch after all.
My friend's divorce just hit the "as ugly as you could ever attempt to make it" boiling point today. Horrendously vicious and absolutely false statements included in the officially filed petition for a limited divorce by her stbx. This, after she chose one of the most child-friendly attorneys in our town. After she voluntarily offered visitation with the children, and made several attempts at amicable communication throughout the week, pleading only that her 18 year old daughter be kept from acting as mediator. And so it will go- a battle to the death that thrusts the children directly into the line of fire and creates lifelong enemies bound through those children.
I'll say it one more time- divorce doesn't solve relationship problems between two adults, and it never will. Even in cases of extremely high-conflict marriages, the truth is that those same issues that make it a "high-conflict environment" (which is unarguably unhealthy for children) remain, creating a lifetime of turmoil for the children long after the blue form is signed. The courts can order psychological evaluations, and child experts. They can order supervised visitation and mediation. They can try to make the "best" of a horrendous mess left behind by adults who shouldn't need someone in a robe to tell them how to do the right thing.
What they cannot do is create individuals who will take personal responsibility for the pain and suffering they cause to themselves or their children. This society has created several generations of individuals who simply refuse accept their own role in their destiny. I've seen it in my job, with people suing doctors for outcomes that are simply not under the control of anyone but Mother-Nature. I've seen it in frivolous lawsuits that could be avoided with even a shred of common sense. I've seen it in schools where parents want to blame the teachers and administrators for their children's educational failures, rather than recognizing that they, too, should be taking an active role in educating their kids. I've seen it in myself when I failed to realize how dire the consequences of my own actions this year would be for my family.
However, it is never too late to stand up and speak the truth of your mistakes. To accept responsibility for your actions - and your actions alone. To cry out an apology. To ask forgiveness. To try to make a change within yourself that will set things back on the right path. There is no shame whatsoever in trying to do it "right" no matter how long you've been doing it wrong. Too many people believe they must remain on a course of destruction just because they felt for a moment (or more) that it was the right path. The subtotals of our wrongs combined will not set things to rights.
Quote for Tonight:
What a man believes upon grossly insufficient evidence is an index into his desires -- desires of which he himself is often unconscious. If a man is offered a fact which goes against his instincts, he will scrutinize it closely, and unless the evidence is overwhelming, he will refuse to believe it. If, on the other hand, he is offered something which affords a reason for acting in accordance to his instincts, he will accept it even on the slightest evidence. -Bertrand Russell
What a nice morning! =)
Everyone woke up happily, had tons of sugary cereal with milk, put away their bowls and spoons and cleaned up the table. There were no missing footwear crises. Backpacks were easily found, homework in the proper place and absolutely no voices were raised or tears shed. Lots of singing ensued on the drive to school. I'm amazed at how my boys seem to have inherited daddy's lyric-memorization skills, and their singing isn't bad, either.
I'm back home finishing up my "homework" for my counseling appointment this afternoon, and Peyton has her second appointment today right after mine. I'm thinking we may try to have the boys talk to Dr. K for a few minutes if time allows, since they will be with us, too.
Dinner plans include delicious roast beef, noodles and gravy, and the infamous Pillsbury® crescent rolls. Yum! It really is nice to sit down at dinner with the kids like this. As a family we generally ate outside of the house about 80% of the time, so we really were almost always together, but my kids still seem to think my cooking (which was a rarity to be sure!) is a special treat. I wonder how long that will last, lol! ;) Last night we had friends over, which meant there wasn't even an empty seat for me to dwell on, and not even a crumb of leftover meatloaf of mashed potatoes!
Okay, I'm totally procrastinating with that whole homework thing, but I think this post counts as extra credit.
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