3 posts tagged “holidays”

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Attorney Visit

Dec 19, 2007
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We met with our lawyers this morning for a few hours to talk about goals for the separation period, how things might evolve with custody and visitation over time, how to separate our finances so that j and I each control our own expenses and debt, and whether or not we might proceed collaboratively rather than litigating the case. J and his attorney refused service of the actual divorce filing with the hope that at our next meeting in January good faith efforts toward collaboration will have been demonstrated and I can then withdraw the petition for absolute divorce on fault grounds and commit to the collaborative process instead, which has several advantages for all of us.

The lawyers were very complimentary toward j and I and how well we communicated on the issues we chose to focus upon today. Both attorneys seemed impressed with what we accomplished in the time we spent together, and they are eager to work with us as a collaborative team, to get the divorce coach on board, and to get a financial advisor involved if financial software is unable to offer a workable plan for our current financial situation. I was up front about my desire to eventually revisit custody and visitation issues in the event we reach a place where there is absolutely no hope for reconciliation, and I also expressed my willingness to reconcile if the situation changes, as I still believe that would be the best decision for all of us for the future.

We accomplished a great deal of work today, finalizing the custody and visitation for at least the next 6 months, establishing a budget for each of us to use until the official child support and spousal support guidelines are drawn up and our accounts can be separated, making a list of home repairs and expenses that need to be taken care of and establishing deadlines for these issues. I was very pleased with the interactions between our attorneys, and I was relieved that there was no subterfuge evident.

It was a hard day emotionally for me, but nothing like I feared it might be. I was really only sad about discussions surrounding holiday gifts and the future of establishing two households for the children. I have been honestly trying to stay in the present and focus on what we have right now, but this discussion brought me back to the reality of a future apart and I worked quickly to get my focus back on the present. I am also fretting about the need for j and I to have contact to discuss household repairs over the next few days. I was eager to get to a point where he and I can have some real distance and avoid interactions that center on any issues that trigger anything resembling nagging or criticism. I believe he needs some space and some perspective. If every interaction we have revolves around the things that all married couples dread (money, home repairs, kids' expenses) with no positive interactions to balance those out like we used to have, it breaks down all remaining goodwill. And I can't repeat it often enough- we are in this for the long haul together, regardless of whether we're "husband and wife" or merely "mom and dad."

Days go by and...

Dec 17, 2007
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...boy do they go quickly! The kids headed off to school this morning and I went to the grocery store to get food for dinners and some more cereal and snacks. Came home and put everything away, emptied the dishwasher, scooped the litter box (gotta make a note to teach Peyton how to take care of this on her days at home!), and curled up in front of the TV with the kitten.

I still have nothing at all for anyone for the holidays. I had a lot of ideas for j this year, and I'm kinda bummed not to get the chance to use them since usually I suck at gifts ;) The kids told me they'd be thrilled with gift cards, so I'll probably get them each a very small gift card and take them shopping the day after Christmas this year. I think I'll make a very small turkey breast and mashed potatoes and then we can bake and decorate sugar cookies on Christmas day. I'm sure they'll come home with tons of new stuff from j and grandma so I have no doubt they'll be entertained. :) I had really wanted to get DVDs of the kids made to send to family, but I just haven't been motivated to watch hours of our history, and j is really the creative one when it comes to adding music, editing, blending photos into the presentation, etc. and we haven't been able to work together to get that done this year! My parents bought us a gift for the house (and I really must get that shed built!) but I'm sure they'll send something nice for the kids to open.

The kids and I see Dr. K tomorrow afternoon, and then Wednesday is our first meeting with the attorneys. Thursday is my friend's first hearing in court for custody and visitation issues. It's also Peyton's birthday, and since she already had her party and the kitten came home early and it's J's night with the kids we probably won't really do anything special together on the day itself, but it's hard to believe I'll officially have a teenager! :)

I'm on the Outside

Dec 10, 2007
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I woke up in a good mood this morning and it went downhill from there. Instead of getting up and getting dressed like they usually do, even Peyton was grumbling, and Carson immediately started whining. Despite the entire basket of clean clothes plus 24 pairs of new socks, the boys were freaking out that they couldn't find socks. I ended up threatening them with 30 minutes earlier bedtime when they were still in bed 15 minutes after "wake up call." I yelled at them about the fact that they'd never bothered to put away the laundry before leaving for the weekend, and I brought Logan to tears, right along with me- something I swore I would not do this week.

I feel like an outsider in this family now. I am no longer part of any of our fun traditions. The only tradition I'm still upholding is the one where I am a bitch who insists people put away laundry. :( I feel like a huge failure this morning. I don't get to be part of the video game nights, or brunch and shopping for new coats with grandma. I missed out on lighting Chanukah candles and seeing them open their gifts. J took pictures. Somehow that's just not the same. I'm going to miss out on Christmas Eve, and they'll wake up with grandma and daddy this year on Christmas morning. This was my choice as I knew they'd be getting far more gifts from his side of the family, and j offered to do gifts from "all of us" like we normally would, but that just feels wrong and confusing if I won't be able to do it in the future.

I don't really want to hear about new traditions because these were MY traditions too, and they're not available to me anymore, but they are still something I long to be a part of. We built them together over the years, and sure, we'll build new ones, I just wish I got to be part of at least some of the stuff we created other than playing the role of the laundry-witch. I really did used to be more than that.