13 posts tagged “family”
Passed along from a few of my Twitter friends, and sure to disappoint, the idea is for me to come up with seven things that you don't already know about me.
1. I'm a Supertaster, a.k.a. "picky eater." I don't eat any vegetables except potatoes and canned green beans. And sometimes lettuce, but only iceberg, and only as a carrier for Olive Garden salad dressing and croutons. I don't drink coffee or tea, I don't like spicy foods (and for me, "spicy" includes things as mild as bell peppers), and I love sweets. I manage to stay healthy despite this shortcoming, and I can find something to eat at almost any restaurant, so it's more of a problem for people who are somehow insulted by what they think I'm missing out on than it is for me.
2. I have an irrational phobia of crabs. No... not the little critters that you pass along after a dirty night of anonymous sex, but the kind some folks like to crack open and enjoy for dinner (not me: see number 1). I used to live in Florida, on the beach. Those bastards are absolutely everywhere, hundreds of them, during mating season. They have been known to puncture tires when you run them over in your vehicle, they never seem to run away from you, but instead run, sideways directly towards you when startled, and they used to crawl into the elevator where I lived, forcing me to stand cowering in a corner while I rode to the 10th story of our building, or inspiring me to try my luck with the stairs instead. I just tried to find a photo for you, but seriously, my heart rate hit 120 before the page even finished loading, so I leave you to your own GIS for "blue crabs." Don't say I didn't warn you.
3. I am a natural redhead. Okay, I bet you knew that already, but I figured I'd put it out there since some people still ask me if I color my hair. Or... you know, if the carpet matches the drapes. I don't. And... it does.
4. I've never lived in a house as long as the one I live in right now, and I've only been here for 6 years. Before that, I'd never been at one residence for longer than 2 years. And no, I'm not a military brat. And yes, I wish I would have had more stability in my life.
5. I like to do laundry. It's the only household chore that I can simultaneously complain about, yet really enjoy doing. How can anyone resist clothes fresh out of a dryer? I also may need a 12 Step Program for Fabric Softener abuse.
6. If I could have one completely frivolous servant, it would be someone to wash my hair for me every day. There are a lot of things that would be more practical, and I wouldn't turn 'em down, but damn... a shampoo girl of my very own?
7. I'm not the person that I was a year ago. And I miss the person that I was two years ago, sometimes. I love the person I am today, but I wish the things that forced me to re-evaluate my priorities and change some fundamental truths about myself hadn't come at such a price. The cool thing is, the person I was two years ago would be so proud of the person I am today, and I'm not sure that everyone can say that. That girl would probably tell me to forgive myself for the choices and mistakes that made me who I am today, and that girl was always right so maybe I should.
So, long ago in a galaxy far, far away, I used to train my dog. I used positive reinforcement, for the most part, and some negative punishment (taking away something rewarding, e.g. stepping away from her or turning if she jumped up on me for attention). During that time, one of the things I learned was that when you are trying to work with a new dog (or cat, or bird, or child, etc.) there are hundreds (maybe more!) of things you do NOT want the puppy to be doing. Ask any new owner and you'll hear a string of DO NOT WANT:
"I don't want the puppy to pee in the house"
"I don't want the puppy to jump on guests"
"I don't want the puppy to chew my furniture"
"I don't want the puppy to bark"
"I don't want the puppy to pick up my shoes and carry them around"
"I don't want the puppy to beg in the kitchen"
and so on.
The trouble with focusing on what you "don't want" is that it doesn't help you develop the behaviors or reach the goals that you DO want. And sometimes you're not even sure what you DO want the puppy to be doing when you're so caught up in everything that is going wrong. You fail to recognize and reward any of the alternate behaviors that the puppy is offering as you simply continue identifying more of what you don't want.
In training Willow, I learned to shift my focus to what I *wanted* my puppy to be doing at any given moment. Once you have a clear picture of what you DO want in your mind, getting there is often far more simple than you ever imagined. Prior to that moment, all you have is a sea of confusion, wherein there are a lot of behaviors the pup is systematically trying out and adding to the DO NOT WANT! list. Until you can get clear on what you DO want, that sea of confusion grows ever-wider, or in some cases, the puppy shuts down and stops trying to do anything at all.
Now, that revelation is so simplistic, isn't it? So, obviously this post isn't about my dog. I know so many of the things that I DO NOT WANT. I have been putting so much emotional energy into fighting anxiety stemming from what I don't want, that I've just now come to the realization that I haven't actually stopped to clarify exactly what it is that I DO want. Oddly enough, just as many new pet owners and parents have a difficult time articulating what behaviors they'd like to see when they first start to grasp the concept, I am amazed at how complicated the answer to that one simple question has become when it is reformulated to remove all of the negatives.
when you try living it again for a little while, I suppose. :)
The kids headed off for their weekend at daddy's house today. I have scheduled maintenance on the Ody tomorrow morning (likely new brake pads necessary as there has been an interesting "whup whup whup" sound for a couple of weeks now), then lunch with a friend, and then meeting up with another friend later in the afternoon to catch up with her and see just how big her belly has gotten (I think she is due in March!). Then I have dinner plans. I really ought to scrub toilets and change sheets but somehow that seems a waste of a weekend ;)
The windy weather finally took its toll on our partially broken storm door and it went down the stairs with a noteworthy crash this afternoon. Who knew that storm doors weighed upwards of 150 pounds!? The glass didn't shatter, but the hinges are toast and the remaining screws that had been holding it precariously in place for a few months now were quite bent out of shape. I dragged it off the the side so we could leave in time to get the big kids from school, and j graciously offered to stop by tomorrow while I'm out to take a look at it and see if anything is salvageable. The trim around the front door is pretty loose so that will need to be repaired first. Ahhhhhh homeownership. :p
I managed to compile and install software all on my own (despite enigmatic error messages that only seemed to appear on Google in pages written in German) and then I had an enormously entertaining afternoon chatting with people online and being amused by the rapidity with which we can all stalk each other by IP address in under 60 seconds these days. Some things never change, though- apparently all one needs on IRC is a vagina and you get +v (hey is there a connection there?) within about ten minutes of actually talking in the channel.
I went out for a few hours and ran into someone we used to hang out with quite a bit. It was nice catching up on all the stuff he's been up to in the past few months and we all waned poetic about 2007. A round of shots was had by everyone but me to ring in 2008- I celebrated with my usual 24 cups of diet coke. It seems like some sort of Twilight Zone was entered by an awful lot of us last year- it was determined that the bar is, in fact, haunted or cursed.
*yawn* This was a useless post, but I was still wide awake (maybe the 24 cups of diet coke actually is over the legal limit even for me!) and I realized I hadn't blogged in awhile. Perhaps because I didn't have anything interesting to say, as evidenced by this post ;)
We met with our lawyers this morning for a few hours to talk about goals for the separation period, how things might evolve with custody and visitation over time, how to separate our finances so that j and I each control our own expenses and debt, and whether or not we might proceed collaboratively rather than litigating the case. J and his attorney refused service of the actual divorce filing with the hope that at our next meeting in January good faith efforts toward collaboration will have been demonstrated and I can then withdraw the petition for absolute divorce on fault grounds and commit to the collaborative process instead, which has several advantages for all of us.
The lawyers were very complimentary toward j and I and how well we communicated on the issues we chose to focus upon today. Both attorneys seemed impressed with what we accomplished in the time we spent together, and they are eager to work with us as a collaborative team, to get the divorce coach on board, and to get a financial advisor involved if financial software is unable to offer a workable plan for our current financial situation. I was up front about my desire to eventually revisit custody and visitation issues in the event we reach a place where there is absolutely no hope for reconciliation, and I also expressed my willingness to reconcile if the situation changes, as I still believe that would be the best decision for all of us for the future.
We accomplished a great deal of work today, finalizing the custody and visitation for at least the next 6 months, establishing a budget for each of us to use until the official child support and spousal support guidelines are drawn up and our accounts can be separated, making a list of home repairs and expenses that need to be taken care of and establishing deadlines for these issues. I was very pleased with the interactions between our attorneys, and I was relieved that there was no subterfuge evident.
It was a hard day emotionally for me, but nothing like I feared it might be. I was really only sad about discussions surrounding holiday gifts and the future of establishing two households for the children. I have been honestly trying to stay in the present and focus on what we have right now, but this discussion brought me back to the reality of a future apart and I worked quickly to get my focus back on the present. I am also fretting about the need for j and I to have contact to discuss household repairs over the next few days. I was eager to get to a point where he and I can have some real distance and avoid interactions that center on any issues that trigger anything resembling nagging or criticism. I believe he needs some space and some perspective. If every interaction we have revolves around the things that all married couples dread (money, home repairs, kids' expenses) with no positive interactions to balance those out like we used to have, it breaks down all remaining goodwill. And I can't repeat it often enough- we are in this for the long haul together, regardless of whether we're "husband and wife" or merely "mom and dad."
...boy do they go quickly! The kids headed off to school this morning and I went to the grocery store to get food for dinners and some more cereal and snacks. Came home and put everything away, emptied the dishwasher, scooped the litter box (gotta make a note to teach Peyton how to take care of this on her days at home!), and curled up in front of the TV with the kitten.
I still have nothing at all for anyone for the holidays. I had a lot of ideas for j this year, and I'm kinda bummed not to get the chance to use them since usually I suck at gifts ;) The kids told me they'd be thrilled with gift cards, so I'll probably get them each a very small gift card and take them shopping the day after Christmas this year. I think I'll make a very small turkey breast and mashed potatoes and then we can bake and decorate sugar cookies on Christmas day. I'm sure they'll come home with tons of new stuff from j and grandma so I have no doubt they'll be entertained. :) I had really wanted to get DVDs of the kids made to send to family, but I just haven't been motivated to watch hours of our history, and j is really the creative one when it comes to adding music, editing, blending photos into the presentation, etc. and we haven't been able to work together to get that done this year! My parents bought us a gift for the house (and I really must get that shed built!) but I'm sure they'll send something nice for the kids to open.
The kids and I see Dr. K tomorrow afternoon, and then Wednesday is our first meeting with the attorneys. Thursday is my friend's first hearing in court for custody and visitation issues. It's also Peyton's birthday, and since she already had her party and the kitten came home early and it's J's night with the kids we probably won't really do anything special together on the day itself, but it's hard to believe I'll officially have a teenager! :)
Peyton's party was a success! I was so thankful to be able to share the day with her and take part in her celebration. She had baked a cookie-cake with daddy and together they decorated it in our family birthday tradition. Then he ordered pizza for the girls and I helped dole out fruit punch and sodas. J took video and I snapped pictures while Peyton opened presents from her friends, and then we used our Ikea candles in lieu of birthday candles that wouldn't easily sit in the cookie cake, singing and watching her make a wish and use a "swimmer's breath" to blow them out again.
I helped clean up after dinner and then headed out to a friend's house before the icy weather set in full force, leaving j to supervise the sleepover portion of the party.
I had brunch this morning and then headed back home this afternoon and got to see the kids for a little bit before they headed to grandma's with daddy. My head was killing me and I was really disappointed in a discussion j and I had and the direction it took, so I ended up taking a short drive to prevent myself from being upset around the kids, came home and took ibuprofen, a long bath in the dark, and a short nap before settling in to cuddle with the kitten and watch some TV before the kids get home in time for bedtime.
I can't believe how quickly the weekend flew by!
only a year ago?
http://monitron.vox.com/library/post/one-hour-to-go.html
My boys are playing Mario Galaxy on the Wii right now, but looking at this post feels like maybe we are in another Galaxy today. I miss this.
So we looked at a few kittens but this one may be coming home to join us soon. :) She is pretty feisty (which is good since we have a playful lab who may need to be put in her place once or twice!) and she's just as cute as can be. She also never stopped purring the whole time I was holding her, and the kids were loving on her a lot.
We put in the application today, and I have an interview tomorrow evening at 6pm. Our vet reminded us Willow is overdue for her Rabies vaccine (ack!), so I'm getting that up to date at 9am tomorrow.
I'm not sure when she'd be coming home (it could be over the weekend while the kids are with daddy, but Peyton will be here on Saturday for her party, so that would work out nicely anyway!)
I forgot that kittens like to climb and scratch. Ohhhhboy! Have to find a good scratching post ASAP to avoid severe furniture damage.
Wish us luck!
So Peyton's 13th birthday is fast approaching, and she has been asking for a kitten for a few years now. We already have an almost-two-year-old yellow lab, Willow, at home, but she is primarily my dog. Last year we euthanized our 13 year-old black lab, Lexie when we saw that she was going downhill from the effects of old-age and a mast cell tumor that had begun causing her health issues a year or so before, so my children have also experienced the life-cycle of a family pet. I'm pretty excited about helping Peyton choose the first critter that will really be hers.
I'm planning to take the kids to visit the local animal shelter this afternoon to see what they have available for adoption, maybe dropping off an application if she finds a kitten she would like to make part of our family. I believe Peyton is old enough to take responsibility for raising and caring for a pet, and I know the boys and I will get a lot of joy from a new addition to the household, too. Peyton has been very helpful with our dogs over the years, and she has always had a fondness for felines- spending hours petting and holding her friends' kittens and cats over the years. I'm sure this cat will be spoiled rotten ;)
After the last post, I did want to try to focus a bit on the positives of my own situation. While I am still hurt by my husbands' decision to divorce, I do recognize his love for the children and despite his statements to others, I have never had any intention of trying to keep him way from them in an attempt to hurt him. My children are wonderful, sensitive, caring, smart, funny, gentle, loving, and extremely social. They are equally bonded to j and I, and we have both worked as a team for the past 9 years to make sure that this is the case. We have always taken incredible pains to make well-informed decisions on everything from education to car seats to discipline, and I'm terrified of sharing those decisions with anyone else but him.
My greatest wish for my children would be to have them lose nothing in this process. I know that j wishes the same, and has been trying so hard to shelter them from the reality of separate households, holidays, changed bedtime routines, and to be a stable presence in their lives throughout this whole mess, even when I was extremely unstable. That they are just now beginning to comprehend the changes being implemented is heartrending, yet they had a nice session tonight with the counselor (the boys each saw her for about 15 minutes, and our daughter saw her for 45 minutes after my own session). The boys talked a bit about their feelings about the separation, but they both also talked about their friends and the pictures they had drawn while waiting for their turn with Dr. K. ;)
Tonight my daughter spearheaded a major clean-up effort in our basement. She did this without ever being asked and without my ever having even mentioned the basement at all, since I'm currently using it as a staging area to collect j's belongings until he needs or wants them. I'm also not nearly as focused on perfection as I once was, though it has been wonderful to have the kids back into a routine and the house is staying basically the way it was before this year. Each of them have been really complimentary about how clean the house is now that they put away backpacks, shoes, coats, dishes, snack wrappers, and laundry consistently instead of waiting for it to all collect to alert-levels. It really doesn't take them much effort, and it makes for so much less complaining when it is time to straighten up before bed or get ready for school in the mornings.
Tonight we read one of my favorite books together at bedtime, Curious George Goes to the Hospital. I got to tell Kadin about when he was a tiny baby and he had to drink barium and get an x-ray, just like George! Carson had fallen asleep on his own in the living room from sheer exhaustion (he didn't have a nap today because of our busy schedule), and so I simply carried him up after we read our story together, and snuggled him in with the big boys. I'm so thankful my kids have each other. That they treat each other with so much kindness and care, and it feels so nice when they hug me and tell me how much they love me and that they miss me when I'm not with them. Maybe they don't just see me as the laundry-witch after all.
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Birth Professionals Updated: Oct 28, 2009
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