11 posts tagged “divorce”
So, long ago in a galaxy far, far away, I used to train my dog. I used positive reinforcement, for the most part, and some negative punishment (taking away something rewarding, e.g. stepping away from her or turning if she jumped up on me for attention). During that time, one of the things I learned was that when you are trying to work with a new dog (or cat, or bird, or child, etc.) there are hundreds (maybe more!) of things you do NOT want the puppy to be doing. Ask any new owner and you'll hear a string of DO NOT WANT:
"I don't want the puppy to pee in the house"
"I don't want the puppy to jump on guests"
"I don't want the puppy to chew my furniture"
"I don't want the puppy to bark"
"I don't want the puppy to pick up my shoes and carry them around"
"I don't want the puppy to beg in the kitchen"
and so on.
The trouble with focusing on what you "don't want" is that it doesn't help you develop the behaviors or reach the goals that you DO want. And sometimes you're not even sure what you DO want the puppy to be doing when you're so caught up in everything that is going wrong. You fail to recognize and reward any of the alternate behaviors that the puppy is offering as you simply continue identifying more of what you don't want.
In training Willow, I learned to shift my focus to what I *wanted* my puppy to be doing at any given moment. Once you have a clear picture of what you DO want in your mind, getting there is often far more simple than you ever imagined. Prior to that moment, all you have is a sea of confusion, wherein there are a lot of behaviors the pup is systematically trying out and adding to the DO NOT WANT! list. Until you can get clear on what you DO want, that sea of confusion grows ever-wider, or in some cases, the puppy shuts down and stops trying to do anything at all.
Now, that revelation is so simplistic, isn't it? So, obviously this post isn't about my dog. I know so many of the things that I DO NOT WANT. I have been putting so much emotional energy into fighting anxiety stemming from what I don't want, that I've just now come to the realization that I haven't actually stopped to clarify exactly what it is that I DO want. Oddly enough, just as many new pet owners and parents have a difficult time articulating what behaviors they'd like to see when they first start to grasp the concept, I am amazed at how complicated the answer to that one simple question has become when it is reformulated to remove all of the negatives.
We met with our lawyers this morning for a few hours to talk about goals for the separation period, how things might evolve with custody and visitation over time, how to separate our finances so that j and I each control our own expenses and debt, and whether or not we might proceed collaboratively rather than litigating the case. J and his attorney refused service of the actual divorce filing with the hope that at our next meeting in January good faith efforts toward collaboration will have been demonstrated and I can then withdraw the petition for absolute divorce on fault grounds and commit to the collaborative process instead, which has several advantages for all of us.
The lawyers were very complimentary toward j and I and how well we communicated on the issues we chose to focus upon today. Both attorneys seemed impressed with what we accomplished in the time we spent together, and they are eager to work with us as a collaborative team, to get the divorce coach on board, and to get a financial advisor involved if financial software is unable to offer a workable plan for our current financial situation. I was up front about my desire to eventually revisit custody and visitation issues in the event we reach a place where there is absolutely no hope for reconciliation, and I also expressed my willingness to reconcile if the situation changes, as I still believe that would be the best decision for all of us for the future.
We accomplished a great deal of work today, finalizing the custody and visitation for at least the next 6 months, establishing a budget for each of us to use until the official child support and spousal support guidelines are drawn up and our accounts can be separated, making a list of home repairs and expenses that need to be taken care of and establishing deadlines for these issues. I was very pleased with the interactions between our attorneys, and I was relieved that there was no subterfuge evident.
It was a hard day emotionally for me, but nothing like I feared it might be. I was really only sad about discussions surrounding holiday gifts and the future of establishing two households for the children. I have been honestly trying to stay in the present and focus on what we have right now, but this discussion brought me back to the reality of a future apart and I worked quickly to get my focus back on the present. I am also fretting about the need for j and I to have contact to discuss household repairs over the next few days. I was eager to get to a point where he and I can have some real distance and avoid interactions that center on any issues that trigger anything resembling nagging or criticism. I believe he needs some space and some perspective. If every interaction we have revolves around the things that all married couples dread (money, home repairs, kids' expenses) with no positive interactions to balance those out like we used to have, it breaks down all remaining goodwill. And I can't repeat it often enough- we are in this for the long haul together, regardless of whether we're "husband and wife" or merely "mom and dad."
After the last post, I did want to try to focus a bit on the positives of my own situation. While I am still hurt by my husbands' decision to divorce, I do recognize his love for the children and despite his statements to others, I have never had any intention of trying to keep him way from them in an attempt to hurt him. My children are wonderful, sensitive, caring, smart, funny, gentle, loving, and extremely social. They are equally bonded to j and I, and we have both worked as a team for the past 9 years to make sure that this is the case. We have always taken incredible pains to make well-informed decisions on everything from education to car seats to discipline, and I'm terrified of sharing those decisions with anyone else but him.
My greatest wish for my children would be to have them lose nothing in this process. I know that j wishes the same, and has been trying so hard to shelter them from the reality of separate households, holidays, changed bedtime routines, and to be a stable presence in their lives throughout this whole mess, even when I was extremely unstable. That they are just now beginning to comprehend the changes being implemented is heartrending, yet they had a nice session tonight with the counselor (the boys each saw her for about 15 minutes, and our daughter saw her for 45 minutes after my own session). The boys talked a bit about their feelings about the separation, but they both also talked about their friends and the pictures they had drawn while waiting for their turn with Dr. K. ;)
Tonight my daughter spearheaded a major clean-up effort in our basement. She did this without ever being asked and without my ever having even mentioned the basement at all, since I'm currently using it as a staging area to collect j's belongings until he needs or wants them. I'm also not nearly as focused on perfection as I once was, though it has been wonderful to have the kids back into a routine and the house is staying basically the way it was before this year. Each of them have been really complimentary about how clean the house is now that they put away backpacks, shoes, coats, dishes, snack wrappers, and laundry consistently instead of waiting for it to all collect to alert-levels. It really doesn't take them much effort, and it makes for so much less complaining when it is time to straighten up before bed or get ready for school in the mornings.
Tonight we read one of my favorite books together at bedtime, Curious George Goes to the Hospital. I got to tell Kadin about when he was a tiny baby and he had to drink barium and get an x-ray, just like George! Carson had fallen asleep on his own in the living room from sheer exhaustion (he didn't have a nap today because of our busy schedule), and so I simply carried him up after we read our story together, and snuggled him in with the big boys. I'm so thankful my kids have each other. That they treat each other with so much kindness and care, and it feels so nice when they hug me and tell me how much they love me and that they miss me when I'm not with them. Maybe they don't just see me as the laundry-witch after all.
My friend's divorce just hit the "as ugly as you could ever attempt to make it" boiling point today. Horrendously vicious and absolutely false statements included in the officially filed petition for a limited divorce by her stbx. This, after she chose one of the most child-friendly attorneys in our town. After she voluntarily offered visitation with the children, and made several attempts at amicable communication throughout the week, pleading only that her 18 year old daughter be kept from acting as mediator. And so it will go- a battle to the death that thrusts the children directly into the line of fire and creates lifelong enemies bound through those children.
I'll say it one more time- divorce doesn't solve relationship problems between two adults, and it never will. Even in cases of extremely high-conflict marriages, the truth is that those same issues that make it a "high-conflict environment" (which is unarguably unhealthy for children) remain, creating a lifetime of turmoil for the children long after the blue form is signed. The courts can order psychological evaluations, and child experts. They can order supervised visitation and mediation. They can try to make the "best" of a horrendous mess left behind by adults who shouldn't need someone in a robe to tell them how to do the right thing.
What they cannot do is create individuals who will take personal responsibility for the pain and suffering they cause to themselves or their children. This society has created several generations of individuals who simply refuse accept their own role in their destiny. I've seen it in my job, with people suing doctors for outcomes that are simply not under the control of anyone but Mother-Nature. I've seen it in frivolous lawsuits that could be avoided with even a shred of common sense. I've seen it in schools where parents want to blame the teachers and administrators for their children's educational failures, rather than recognizing that they, too, should be taking an active role in educating their kids. I've seen it in myself when I failed to realize how dire the consequences of my own actions this year would be for my family.
However, it is never too late to stand up and speak the truth of your mistakes. To accept responsibility for your actions - and your actions alone. To cry out an apology. To ask forgiveness. To try to make a change within yourself that will set things back on the right path. There is no shame whatsoever in trying to do it "right" no matter how long you've been doing it wrong. Too many people believe they must remain on a course of destruction just because they felt for a moment (or more) that it was the right path. The subtotals of our wrongs combined will not set things to rights.
Quote for Tonight:
What a man believes upon grossly insufficient evidence is an index into his desires -- desires of which he himself is often unconscious. If a man is offered a fact which goes against his instincts, he will scrutinize it closely, and unless the evidence is overwhelming, he will refuse to believe it. If, on the other hand, he is offered something which affords a reason for acting in accordance to his instincts, he will accept it even on the slightest evidence. -Bertrand Russell
I just spent the last hour snuggled into a twin bunk bed with my four sweeties. The reality of sharing time with mommy and daddy apart has become real for them. Both j and I have given them mixed messages- me because I still view this period of separation as a true step on the path to making a final decision for an absolute divorce, and j because he was trying desperately to protect the kids from the reality of dividing up the household and living separately in order to give them the stability I wasn't exemplifying over the past few months. I don't believe any of us, including family and friends who have told our children different things about the reasons for the chaotic environment without knowing the full truth of what was going on in our day-to-day lives, have handled this situation well when it comes to our children's needs. My daughter is now seeing a counselor, and I hope to get the big boys in this week, too.
My children did not understand until tonight just why exactly I had been so very sad all the time. In fact, my 6 year old actually was afraid that he wasn't supposed to be sad. I also tried to talk to them about my anger and frustration over the situation that has come out sideways sometimes, and how I'm really just angry with myself for failing to protect our family from this mess. I explained that I'm sad because I miss spending time playing all the new video games they've gotten with daddy, and that I wished I could have been there for the Chanukah candles, too, and that things being different just makes me sad because these times as a family felt so good to me, but that I'm very glad they're still getting to do all those things with daddy even when I can't be there too. I also reassured them a million times that we both love them no matter what, that there was nothing they have done or can do to help daddy and I fix things- that rests on our shoulders alone, but I'm well-read enough to know that we can say that until we're blue in the face (and I even had them repeat it back to me, lol) but they will still wonder if there is anything they can do to keep our family intact.
I want my kids to feel comfortable expressing their own emotions. I wasn't really allowed to express emotions as a kid, and I think j and I have done better as parents ourselves, but even j and I invalidate their feelings sometimes (and I invalidated j's feelings on a constant basis over the last 6 months). I want to really stop doing that because I can see how negatively this has impacted my own ability to appropriately express or even identify emotions I'm experiencing. I have a very low frustration tolerance, and several of our children express that trait as well. I'm hopeful we can work hard to help them overcome that so it won't hinder their own interpersonal relationships in the future. I do, however, readily recognize that my emotions are not the same ones they are experiencing, and I'm trying very hard to listen to what they are feeling and accept it as their reality. They are confused. They are sad. They miss daddy when he is not here, and they tell me that they miss me when I am not with them. But they also still have many moments of joy and I love hearing them giggling and making up games in the backseat of the van, and watching my older son help my younger son with his spelling work. :)
Anyway, this post was supposed to be positive- Carson went happily up to brush his teeth with me, climbed up in bed with us and only fussed at me for a few minutes then settled down between the big boys and I. I snuck out to let the dog out for the night, and now I'm heading to bed myself. I had been dreading bedtime, but I think it was time well spent tonight.
So, I've been wanting to talk about this but knowing I can't really tell anyone who matters, so I figured I'd post about it here. One of the most difficult aspects of this situation for me has been learning about the history in both of our families and how we have found ourselves trapped in a cycle that I didn't even know existed.
When this all started to fall apart back in May, new information about the circumstances that led up to J's parents' divorce came to light that neither of us had known before. I had known that there was an affair between his mom and dad in the very beginning- his dad left a marriage with two young boys to marry his mom. I also knew that eventually his mom left because his dad was having a relationship with another woman, to whom he is still married. What we didn't know was that that relationship had been present for basically the entire marriage, and in the end his father made a choice to stay with the "affair" partner rather than stay with j's mom. There is more to it than that, but that's the simplest explanation. Because of this, I had a great deal of trust when it came to j's commitment to our relationship, and I truly never dreamed that he'd find himself in love with someone else and having to choose between us.
His gf's parents also came together through an affair, though the circumstances were entirely different. Her mother was married and became involved with a divorced man with a young child. She left her marriage to her first husband to marry this man. The sentiment expressed by her mother was that you "can't help who you fall in love with." In many ways, this is true- in our culture we have a romanticized vision of love that is played out in countless Hollywood movies and television sitcoms. Everyone falls head over heels and they all live happily ever after, regardless of the consequences. The message is that love takes no work- that it just happens "to you" and that there should be nothing that ever stands in the way of this if two people "connect" and that if that connection is "real" then it will conquer any obstacle in its path.
My own family history included what I knew to be a 35 year marriage between my grandparents. It was the only truly stable thing in my life growing up, and it was something I never dreamed I'd have. I really thought I'd found it with j. Before we met I didn't even really entertain the idea of marriage because it wasn't something I dreamed of of felt was necessary to raise children or to find happiness in life. I was a single parent for 3 years, and I was confident that my daughter would grow up happy and healthy without a traditional family.
When I fell in love with j, it happened slowly and at a distance. It wasn't a headlong rush into romance, but an ember that slowly grew into a raging fire for more than a year before we even met in person. Even then, I wasn't certain we could build a life together, and those around us seemed to be skeptical that we'd ever amount to anything as a couple, let alone build a loving relationship with four beautiful children and a house in the 'burbs before he was 21 years old. Every day I felt pride in my marriage, in my children, in our commitment to each other, in our continued enjoyment of each others' company, and in our shared growth. Pride goeth before the fall, they say. The fire has been smothered a bit, but in many ways it's still smoldering and rather than fanning the flames, I've been tossing handfuls of sand onto it for the past six months.
Anyway, back to cycles. I just found out recently that my grandmother's first marriage, which was rarely ever mentioned except in the context of her oldest child's father (who was never part of her life after infancy) ended due to infidelity as well. Her husband had an affair. My grandmother asked him to choose between the two women he loved, and he chose to leave his wife and daughter. My aunt's first marriage also ended because of an affair. He left his wife and daughter, and then left his second wife for yet another woman very shortly after they were married, again leaving behind two more young children in the wake. He is now on his third marriage, and the last I heard he has a new mistress. At least there are no children involved in his third marriage.
What legacy are we leaving for our four children? Why can't we be the ones to break free from this painful cycle? I look at my daughter and worry that she, too, will go on the 'infidelity diet' one day. That she'll feel the sting of being seen as "good, but not good enough." What of our three sons? Will they see commitments as only temporary stepping stones in the path of life? Will they at least remain committed to their children as their father has done, or will they too walk away and rarely look back on the children from their first marriages, or their second?
"They" say history repeats itself; that we all try the same things over and over again in an attempt to get different results. The patterns are there even when we haven't been told our histories in detail, probably because those who have been caught up in these events want to shelter us from the pain and turmoil, choosing to believe that ignorance is bliss. But if we never try anything new, I'm afraid we'll just be there supporting our children in 10 or 20 years as they, too, experience the pain that comes from believing that it's better to change your environment rather than change yourself.
I woke up in a good mood this morning and it went downhill from there. Instead of getting up and getting dressed like they usually do, even Peyton was grumbling, and Carson immediately started whining. Despite the entire basket of clean clothes plus 24 pairs of new socks, the boys were freaking out that they couldn't find socks. I ended up threatening them with 30 minutes earlier bedtime when they were still in bed 15 minutes after "wake up call." I yelled at them about the fact that they'd never bothered to put away the laundry before leaving for the weekend, and I brought Logan to tears, right along with me- something I swore I would not do this week.
I feel like an outsider in this family now. I am no longer part of any of our fun traditions. The only tradition I'm still upholding is the one where I am a bitch who insists people put away laundry. :( I feel like a huge failure this morning. I don't get to be part of the video game nights, or brunch and shopping for new coats with grandma. I missed out on lighting Chanukah candles and seeing them open their gifts. J took pictures. Somehow that's just not the same. I'm going to miss out on Christmas Eve, and they'll wake up with grandma and daddy this year on Christmas morning. This was my choice as I knew they'd be getting far more gifts from his side of the family, and j offered to do gifts from "all of us" like we normally would, but that just feels wrong and confusing if I won't be able to do it in the future.
I don't really want to hear about new traditions because these were MY traditions too, and they're not available to me anymore, but they are still something I long to be a part of. We built them together over the years, and sure, we'll build new ones, I just wish I got to be part of at least some of the stuff we created other than playing the role of the laundry-witch. I really did used to be more than that.
J just got back with the kids about an hour ago. I am so thankful he put Carson down for me tonight. He's been having a really hard time going to bed for me, and I was really worried about how tonight would go after the long weekend with daddy there. He went peacefully to bed with his brothers for j, and I was relieved beyond words.
J stood in the hallway looking at a portrait of the NYC skyline while waiting to see if the baby was really going to stay in bed. I smiled and said "hey, we were there."
We took our first-ever trip together this summer to NYC. I never thought it would be our last trip together. I walked too fast.
We saw a couple of shows together while we were there, and I really did have a wonderful time. I thought we'd visit again.
He gave me a hug before he left. I managed to just revel in the feeling of being held in his arms, listened to that metronome in his chest, smelled the scent of his soap. I thanked him for helping me with the baby. I hope he knows how much I meant that, because I'm not very good at showing my appreciation sometimes, even when I really want to.
He forgot the big folder full of bills here. I have no idea if I'll talk to him or see him before he gets the kids again on Thursday. Part of me wants him to turn that car around whenever he pulls away, and part of me wants to let him go, knowing that he feels better about himself when he isn't here with me right now. That part is winning out the more I distance myself from what isn't and try to stay focused on what is. I wish he looked happy. I wish he was standing tall and feeling more confident in his decisions than I feel in mine. Or, forget all that, I wish I had a million dollars to offer him to give us one more chance to take another trip together. I'd walk more slowly this time.
I've found that over the past several months my focus has been entirely on all the negative choices that j and I have made in the past year. In many ways, I was often focused on criticisms even when we were very happy together- nagging became a way of life because it got positively reinforced by action, yet it created a cycle that was simply miserable for both of us. I don't enjoy being critical or demanding (no, seriously, I really don't) and I am certain that no one wants to live in an environment where nothing they ever do is good enough.
So over the past few weeks I have been trying to focus on the positive characteristics that made me fall in love with j to begin with, and the ones that he has continued to display in the past year even when I have been completely absorbed by the negative.
- He is a helper: When I met him, he was online and I needed help setting up a Linux server. He was unbelievably helpful and I quickly learned to look for him first when I ran into issues installing or updating software, writing admin scripts, sorting out networking issues, or troubleshooting error messages. Throughout our relationship, this trait has been something I have come to admire and rely upon. He has helped countless friends and coworkers solve geeky issues. He has helped each of our children learn to hold a game controller, work a mouse, type out an email, or conduct a science experiment with his robotics. Even when I was living away from home this summer, he dropped by to help fix a closet that had "given up." I admire this quality and I don't think I ever expressed my gratitude for this trait adequately in our years together.
- He is funny: His sense of humor was definitely one of the first things that attracted me to him. Not just the words he says or the things he writes, though his writing is still a source of joy for me when I go back and read his blogs over the years, but his smile and his belly laugh when he is listening to or watching comedy with me. I live to hear those sounds, and it has been so long since I've seen his genuine smile or heard that laugh. Even when we went out to comedy for our anniversary this year, he seemed not quite himself and it was heartbreaking. We don't always agree on every genre (I'm really not so into dead-baby jokes, fi) but for the most part we shared a love of laughter and I hope he will find that part of him again in the future.
- He is smart, but not condescending: My husband is one of the most intelligent people that I know, yet he has no desire to "put others in their place" when they're obviously clueless about whatever subject is at hand. I've seen him smile politely at the clerks at Best Buy or CompUSA and then simply look up the information he needs without ever needing to correct or belittle the person who was full of sh!t. ;) He is capable of locating information and comparing products and reading reviews and taking the opinions of some while disregarding those of others whom he knows are inaccurate without being distressed by their lack of information. While I have a similar information gathering bug, I often end up needing everyone to agree with my well-thought-out-opinions, and he simply doesn't have a need to have others see things his way, even when he knows he's right. Some of that has rubbed off on me over the past 10 years and I have truly learned that often it is better to agree to disagree, and for that I am forever grateful.
- He is incredibly affectionate: Not just physically affectionate, because in general I'm physically affectionate myself, though sometimes my affection was being sucked up by babies all day and I didn't have enough to share with him when he came home at night, but he is simply affectionate in a way most men never come close to demonstrating. He is thoughtful in passing along articles he knows I'll be interested in, suggesting songs he knows I'll love, books I may want to read, pointing out girls I might think are cute (okay, okay I had to throw that in there!), and in expressing his love for me and for our children. He has still been here for me even through the past few months, to give me a hug or hold my hand or help me fall asleep. He was affectionate with the children right from the start, holding them and carrying them and rocking them to sleep and fully supporting my "never let them cry it out" philosophy and together we have some wonderfully affectionate children to show for it.
- He is eternally optimistic: This one characteristic is actually something that I haven't seen as much of in him these past few months, and it's been the hardest for me to see disappear. I think he would say I'm a pessimist, and in some ways that's not unfair, though I consider myself to simply be a realist in most situations- and reality often bites, lol! But in our 10 years together, he has always been here to tell me that things will work out for the best, and I had come to believe him. I haven't heard him say that since almost a year ago, but I think somewhere deep inside of him he still believes this to be the truth and I'm hoping to see his vision for the future come into focus as we move forward.
- He is a wonderful listener: I am a terrible listener. I have an enormous amount of trouble focusing on conversations and I have a tendency to interrupt, finish others' sentences, jump to conclusions (hey I hear there is game for that!) and zone out even when I'm truly trying my best. I do far better when I am on Ritalin, however he has always been able to listen enthusiastically to my incessant babbling about whatever hobby du jour I'm interested in. Not just listening passively, but truly participating in the conversation, remembering the things that were important to me, finding things that are relevant later on to pass along to me... I miss our conversations. Our real conversations that weren't about who did what and where and when or how it makes anyone feel or what it means for the future. I miss it when my chatter didn't cause him to shut down and want to run and hide from me. There was a time I didn't exhaust him, and even that I took for granted. I'm glad he is still able to listen to our kids, because at least one of them has my incessant babbling propensity. ;)
- He is a great father: Together we spent countless hours playing games with our kids, snuggled up on the couch together, encouraging the kids to participate as soon as they could hold a controller (even if it wasn't really attached to anything at all!) and he continues to spend quality time with them teaching them how to play Guitar Hero, DDR, RockBand, and all manner of adventure and RPGs. We've taken them tubing in the snow, ridden bikes together, carved pumpkins, baked banana bread, decorated Christmas trees, created a birthday tradition I'll miss being a part of, and done all those other things families do together with their children, but he's done all of those things without grumbling or checking his watch or wishing he was somewhere else. Even when I don't always see his actions as consistent with his words, I do know he is a committed father and he loves all of our children deeply.
- He can learn anything he decides he wants to learn: From the newest programming language to Japanese to playing the piano or drums, j sets his mind to learning something new and really can pick up any skill he puts the effort into acquiring. I tend to be similar in this regard, and I can't imagine loving anyone who didn't appreciate the level of enthusiasm we put into our individual or shared interests. I hope we both pass this enthusiasm on to our children.
I had a few other things but they're not really character traits, so I'm not going to bullet point them. But he has the softest hands. I remember the first time I held his hand like it was yesterday. His lips are bliss. He knows how to tangle his legs up with mine in a way that no one else ever has. The sound of his heartbeat is so soothing, perfectly regular, mesmerizing to listen to. His eyes are fabulous- I love looking into his eyes, especially when he breaks into a smile. I hope he finds the happiness he is searching for so our children grow up seeing his eyes that way again.
Like the measuring cups, there are literally hundreds of places that hold memories I haven't yet learned to ignore. As Sarah Bettens says, "as long as I can keep my focus on a point that lies ahead." Indeed.
My Groups
-
Birth Professionals Updated: Yesterday
Neighborhood
Explore friends, family, friends & family, or entire neighborhood.
